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You know, one time when I was a kid, a nun told me that anyone who was born in the United States could become the president. So I went home and I said to my dad, Dad, hey, is it true that anybody who's born here in America can become the president? And he said, yeah, that's true. It's the law. And I said, does that mean that I can become the president of the United States? And he turned to me and he said, and I'll never forget this He said, no. Our parents all smoked. Our mothers smoked and drank while they were pregnant. Teachers could kick the out of you. There were no seatbelts We'd have eight or nine kids bouncing around inside cars that were made out of real steel. And if you fell out one of the windows while we were driving down the highway, hell, it was just more food for all the other kids, okay? You got one big toy at Christmas, and if your parents did their job, it was usually something very dangerous, okay? Guns, knives, toys with tons of tiny parts you and your sister could choke on, stuff that caught on fire. It was great. Here, this is a BB gun, okay? They don't want to give these to kids anymore, okay? Because too many kids get shot in the eye on Christmas morning, all right? Hey, kid, stay right there, right there. Nice job, kid. See, the kids who lose an eye when you shoot BBs at them, they're stupid, okay? Too dumb to duck. They don't deserve to have eyeballs, all right? Give me another kid. Now, this is an electric football game. They don't really make them anymore, okay? You turn around and all these guys would vibrate and run around the field. Now, my cousin Eddie swallowed a running back, I think it was Larry Zonka, and choked to death one Christmas morning. Last time we saw Eddie or the game. Hey, eat this. No way. Good girl. See? It's called thinning the herd, folks. This kid's a keeper. Give me another kid, all right? This next toy is basically an oven, okay? This baby would heat up to about 250 degrees Kelvin. You could bake pottery in this thing, all right? Come here. Stick your hand inside there. You idiot. Folks, here's my point, okay? These aren't just toys. They are tools of education, okay? You can bet that kid's not going to put his hand in an oven again, okay? And if he does, get rid of him, all right? I don't have anything against dumbass kids, just the dumb ass adults they grow up to be, all right? Christ, these toys should be in every kindergarten class across the country, all right? The Stanford Binet test, all right? Plug in the creepy crawler oven.