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I just paid off my student loan. I'm getting older. Went into an antique store. They wouldn't let me leave. I tried using that face aging app. They said, now you're good. I'm officially an old man. I give unwanted advice to total strangers. I told a kid to pull his pants up. His underwear was showing. He mocked me. Tried to give me a wedgie. But the joke was on him. I was wearing the pins. I went to the doctor because I thought. I thought I had arthritis. I don't. I have early onset rigor mortis. Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet? There you go. I did. And after I did, I put my phone in a bag of rice. Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet? I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon D ating. I asked a woman on the site for her number. She told me it was 140 over 95. Went out of college twice. First time because I was a drunk. Second time I was sober, but it was hard. Got arrested once for drunk driving. Not only was I drunk, but I'd been smoking hash. When I took the breathalyzer test, I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop. YOLO. I was arrested. Fled guilty. For my community service, I left the community. Used to smoke cigarettes. I was a heavy smoker. I'd even smoke when I went jogging, which is stupid, of course. So I quit jogging. I love smoking cigarettes. I'd smoke after sex. I'd smoke during sex. Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes. Before I got my hearing aids, my crowd work, which terrible ass, an audience member where he was from. He said, my mama. I heard Miami and said I've been there. I am 74 years old. Life expectancy for men is 76 years. Life expectancy for men is 76 years.